I'm not sure what it is, but something in my self-conscious has been making me relive parts of my senior year. For no apparent reason, I've been listening to the pop-punk that littered the eighteenth year of my life. Random thoughts have brought out of no where the memories of the red-haired kid I called love in that year. And today, today reminded me of a college campus visit in 2005. That's because that day was exactly three years ago today. That was the day my hero died.
President's Day,ironically enough, was the day I woke up in a Columbia hotel with a U.S. News at my door and the words on the front of the paper. Writer Hunter Stockton Thompson had killed himself. It was a surprise at first, then I realized it really wasn't. And here I was visiting Mizzou to become a journalist. Something I wanted to do because of Thompson. Three years have passed, and I've given up on that shell of a dream.But not a day goes by where he doesn't affect me.
I won't kid myself and pretend that Thompson didn't affect my curiosity with drug usage. The Robo-trip, the ecstasy, the acid: non of these were taken without thinking about him first. Back in that year it happened, in 2005, I got my Thompson-based nickname "Raoul Duchess" from a man involved in the local drug culture scene.The word "Duchess" is now on me forever in the handwriting of Ralph Steadman on my left arm.
I admire admiration for Thompson in other people. When I meet another fan, one who almost meets my level of adoration, it's instant attraction. A man once called me gonzo, and for Christ's sake I dated him for three months! Mutual love for HST has even given me the strangest attraction to an older man. But I know that a shared fascination isn't enough for him to leave her and cross state lines for a silly little girl. But with gonzo, anything is fucking possible, right?
The subject of Thompson's death is a hard on for me. Some call it murder, a government conspiracy cover-up due to Thompson's discussion of Sept. 11 and the involvement of the current administration. But Thompson has begun winding down his life before that final day. He gave his prized possession, a gift he had recieved from "Dr. Gonzo," to his son Juan. Thompson wasnever quiet about his feelings on suicide; he would never want to die slowly and out of his control. After watching my Grandpa slowly waste away, I am of the same belief, but I think I will be too cowardice to do anything.
Most people fall back on religion to comfort them in the wake of death, but how does the idea of Heaven and Hell soften the blow of Thompson killing himself after the life he lived? I find comfort in celebrating his life and all the good he has done for me (with heavy drinking!) But even if judgment is someday passed, I will show up to his heavenly trial, full of praise for his soul. This day always brings death to my attention. Like relationships, I will miss the good times when life is gone, but it will be for the best because of all the pain.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
here's what I think about today.
Is it really the day? There isn't anything to say about Valentine's Day that hasn't been said so many times. We've all heard the argument that it's just a greeting card holiday, it's a singles awareness day, that love should be proclaimed anyways and not just once a year. We've heard the complaints that our society places too much importance on romantic relationships. We've heard the moans and groans of singles on this day, and I call for a change in perspective on this day.
The February fourteenths of childhood are really ideal. You give a small card and candy to everyone in your class; everyone is equally loved! Maybe you save the best cards for your best friends, maybe you give them two candies or stickers. Your daddy gives you a card and a little token of his love. He's the most important man in your life. But by middle school, things have become complicated.
Most of my Valentine's are forgettable. In fact, it took me dozens of minutes to remember the V-day picnic my senior year boyfriend surprised me with. Maybe other years I got a flower, but more than likely I just let it pass. Junior year was a big one though. The week leading up to it, I left notes and poems on the car and in the locker of my hardcore crush, a senior we'll call Lank. I was the props master and set worker for a play he was acting in. Finally, on the big Fourteenth, I placed a box of chocolate and another love note in his costume box. I couldn't talk to the man, so a few days later I left a note in his coat pocket revealing myself as the admirer. He later told me he was flattered, and we never spoke again. Imagine my horror when we ran into each other almost four years later at a house party.
The point is, that Valentine's Day felt like it had the potential to be life-changing, but the memory of it, like the memories of the Valentine's before and since, will pass out of my memory banks (I had actually completely forgotten about him until the aforementioned house party.) These Valentine's Days may feel important on this day, but in a week, no one's going to care what you did (including you!)
In my personal opinion, Valentine's Day should be shared with the people you love. Yes, it might remind you that you're single, but hopefully you will also realize that you're not alone. Give a token to your best friend, call your mother and grandmother, remind yourself of the other loves of your life. Do something you love. Send a card to an old friend or invite some fellow singles over for dinner. Valentine's Day should be spent loving youself, spent with the people you love, and doing something good, full of love, for the rest of the world.
The February fourteenths of childhood are really ideal. You give a small card and candy to everyone in your class; everyone is equally loved! Maybe you save the best cards for your best friends, maybe you give them two candies or stickers. Your daddy gives you a card and a little token of his love. He's the most important man in your life. But by middle school, things have become complicated.
Most of my Valentine's are forgettable. In fact, it took me dozens of minutes to remember the V-day picnic my senior year boyfriend surprised me with. Maybe other years I got a flower, but more than likely I just let it pass. Junior year was a big one though. The week leading up to it, I left notes and poems on the car and in the locker of my hardcore crush, a senior we'll call Lank. I was the props master and set worker for a play he was acting in. Finally, on the big Fourteenth, I placed a box of chocolate and another love note in his costume box. I couldn't talk to the man, so a few days later I left a note in his coat pocket revealing myself as the admirer. He later told me he was flattered, and we never spoke again. Imagine my horror when we ran into each other almost four years later at a house party.
The point is, that Valentine's Day felt like it had the potential to be life-changing, but the memory of it, like the memories of the Valentine's before and since, will pass out of my memory banks (I had actually completely forgotten about him until the aforementioned house party.) These Valentine's Days may feel important on this day, but in a week, no one's going to care what you did (including you!)
In my personal opinion, Valentine's Day should be shared with the people you love. Yes, it might remind you that you're single, but hopefully you will also realize that you're not alone. Give a token to your best friend, call your mother and grandmother, remind yourself of the other loves of your life. Do something you love. Send a card to an old friend or invite some fellow singles over for dinner. Valentine's Day should be spent loving youself, spent with the people you love, and doing something good, full of love, for the rest of the world.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
shit where i eat.
The weather outside reflects the cloud over her thoughts. The poor vision on the roads, like her inability to see in her mind's eye the actions of Saturday night. It's such a pity, she would have liked to remember what it was like to be with him. She tried as hard as she could to picture in her mind him on top of her, tugging at each other's clothes, pinning one another down. She tried to conjure up the memories of the kisses she had dreamed about before. Nothing. All she could remember was the moments she was beckoning him into her bedroom, and his entrance.
"Hey you," she had said. After that, everything goes black. Her memories start up again a few hours later, where she is crying about something else with two other friends on her couch. But the time spent with him on her bed is lost forever. All that remains in her mind from their tryst is a split second of dominance. He's on top. She has one arm above her head, the other below his belt. She'd trade all the tequila in the world to get the memory of this one-time pleasure back.
It was especially upsetting that her memories were gone, because so was he. They had talked, and he was uninterested in making this a recurring event. So her old memories were lost, and there was no chance for new ones. Now, lost in the fog of her mind, she continued to search. She pictured his face, she pictured her bedroom. She could see him standing in the doorway, walking towards her. What happened after that? Did they talk for a bit, or get straight to her obvious intentions? Was she any good? Too drunk to function, but still amazing in the sack? She sincerely doubted it. Damn.
Later that night, she told a good friend the details of what had happened, after he had fled from her bedroom, leaving her topless, confused, and drunkenly hurt. Although her close friend told her the next day what she had said that night, she still couldn't conjure the memories. The bite mark he left could have been like a string tied around a finger, a sign to remind her of what happened. But it couldn't do its job. It remained on her body as useless as her feelings for him. The feelings that made her wish she had a second chance with him and a clear head. She would never be clear on what happened that night, what events came to pass or if he did. She would live confused until she accepted it and let go of the importance of these memories. Now all she needed was time, and a tall, cold glass of water.
"Hey you," she had said. After that, everything goes black. Her memories start up again a few hours later, where she is crying about something else with two other friends on her couch. But the time spent with him on her bed is lost forever. All that remains in her mind from their tryst is a split second of dominance. He's on top. She has one arm above her head, the other below his belt. She'd trade all the tequila in the world to get the memory of this one-time pleasure back.
It was especially upsetting that her memories were gone, because so was he. They had talked, and he was uninterested in making this a recurring event. So her old memories were lost, and there was no chance for new ones. Now, lost in the fog of her mind, she continued to search. She pictured his face, she pictured her bedroom. She could see him standing in the doorway, walking towards her. What happened after that? Did they talk for a bit, or get straight to her obvious intentions? Was she any good? Too drunk to function, but still amazing in the sack? She sincerely doubted it. Damn.
Later that night, she told a good friend the details of what had happened, after he had fled from her bedroom, leaving her topless, confused, and drunkenly hurt. Although her close friend told her the next day what she had said that night, she still couldn't conjure the memories. The bite mark he left could have been like a string tied around a finger, a sign to remind her of what happened. But it couldn't do its job. It remained on her body as useless as her feelings for him. The feelings that made her wish she had a second chance with him and a clear head. She would never be clear on what happened that night, what events came to pass or if he did. She would live confused until she accepted it and let go of the importance of these memories. Now all she needed was time, and a tall, cold glass of water.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Pay attention to me.
Here's something I'd write about Channing if I was writing:
Channing Kennedy is a friend of mine, which makes this article totally unscrupulous. I am totally biased. This probably shouldn't exist, just like this man shouldn't leave me with our friendship so young. Well, not as young as he thinks it is, at least.
I first encountered Channing when I still cared about journalism and The Maneater, when MOVE did an article about his mullet and I was set to the task to find mullet related websites. After multiple visits to Maude Vintage, he learned my name. I started telling people we were best friend as a joke, because i thought our friendship would be as ridiculous as he was. Now we are legit friends.
That mullet is gone as so are my feelings for that paper, but my feelings for Channing have only developed into something more mature. What was once a silly crush and hipster adoration is now respect and admiration. He is sort of everything I admire in a man. Creative and the one quality I could never develop: he's amazing without trying or caring.
I hope Channing has an effective on my life (besides introducing me to a pretty good kisser named Erik.) I'm going to miss him, but I hope when he leaves Columbia he won't really be leaving my life.
that's all for now. more later?
Channing Kennedy is a friend of mine, which makes this article totally unscrupulous. I am totally biased. This probably shouldn't exist, just like this man shouldn't leave me with our friendship so young. Well, not as young as he thinks it is, at least.
I first encountered Channing when I still cared about journalism and The Maneater, when MOVE did an article about his mullet and I was set to the task to find mullet related websites. After multiple visits to Maude Vintage, he learned my name. I started telling people we were best friend as a joke, because i thought our friendship would be as ridiculous as he was. Now we are legit friends.
That mullet is gone as so are my feelings for that paper, but my feelings for Channing have only developed into something more mature. What was once a silly crush and hipster adoration is now respect and admiration. He is sort of everything I admire in a man. Creative and the one quality I could never develop: he's amazing without trying or caring.
I hope Channing has an effective on my life (besides introducing me to a pretty good kisser named Erik.) I'm going to miss him, but I hope when he leaves Columbia he won't really be leaving my life.
that's all for now. more later?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
too left for the left?
Why isn’t every liberal in love with Dennis Kucinich? The man is everything a liberal should be.
My love affair with Kucinich started one night while watching the recap of a Logo debate. Issues addressing the homosexual community are number one on my list, because I won’t let assholes treat my best friend like he’s a second-class citizen. On this night, I fell completely out of love with former favourite John Edwards when he preached tolerance and then said he didn’t support gay marriage.
Just when I was ready to quit this race and go totally socialist, Kucinich took the stage. It was immediately brought up that there is nothing the LGBT community wants that he is against. He wholly supports same-sex marriage. All evening he talked about love and compassion: whether it was the love between same-sex couples, compassion for those who need medicinal marijuana, helping the sick with affordable nation-wide healthcare, every word he said was spot-on.
I have always had a strange affinity for short politicians (it all began with the super-cute super-short Jeff Smith) so I grew curious about Kucinich. I looked him up on the Internets and found out he is the only candidate who opposed the war with Iraq when it was originally proposed. His healthcare, his care for the middle class, everything was spot-on. How had I missed this guy for so long! How hasn’t he jumped to the front of the left, leading the left with all the liberal ideals we preach?
But then a friend injected some unwanted reality into my fantasy: Kucinich is too left to appeal to a broader audience. She claimed that the undecided masses would vote for a more middle-of-the-road democrat, and Kucinich was too left to gain favour with even some liberals!
My question is, in an election where the flaws of the right have never been more obvious, where the public is so against our current Conservative administration, wouldn’t this be the perfect time to inject the office with ALL the good of liberals? Why put forth a candidate that supported our awful current administration and this war that has killed so many? Why not push forward our entire agenda of equality? He stands for equality in marriage, in healthcare, in bringing up those below the poverty line, and giving future generations a sustainable life. Kucinich is a leftist dream, but has somehow been swept under the rug for being… too perfect?
It was Kucinich’s closing words at that Logo debate that I later found online that really sealed our love affair. He said about his gorgeous supermodel-esque wife Elisabeth:
“We have talked about this and I can’t imagine what it would be like to have met the love of my life and to have such a depth of feeling for her, and then be told that no you can’t be married because there’s a certain rule or law that can’t let that happen. That would be devastating! And because we understand that, because I understand it, I’m ready to be your president. I’m ready to be the person that transforms this nation, that lifts up this nation, that causes not just and American evolution but reconnects us with the deeper truths of who we are!” People wonder how he scored that hot wife, but who wouldn’t love a man like this?
So forget your fears of going too left (and that alien claim) and see Kucinich for what he really is: a man unafraid. He wasn’t afraid to stand up against the war when that idea was unpopular, and he is afraid to stand up for what is right. He is a caring and compassionate candidate who has the best interest of those that have been stomped on in his heart.
My love affair with Kucinich started one night while watching the recap of a Logo debate. Issues addressing the homosexual community are number one on my list, because I won’t let assholes treat my best friend like he’s a second-class citizen. On this night, I fell completely out of love with former favourite John Edwards when he preached tolerance and then said he didn’t support gay marriage.
Just when I was ready to quit this race and go totally socialist, Kucinich took the stage. It was immediately brought up that there is nothing the LGBT community wants that he is against. He wholly supports same-sex marriage. All evening he talked about love and compassion: whether it was the love between same-sex couples, compassion for those who need medicinal marijuana, helping the sick with affordable nation-wide healthcare, every word he said was spot-on.
I have always had a strange affinity for short politicians (it all began with the super-cute super-short Jeff Smith) so I grew curious about Kucinich. I looked him up on the Internets and found out he is the only candidate who opposed the war with Iraq when it was originally proposed. His healthcare, his care for the middle class, everything was spot-on. How had I missed this guy for so long! How hasn’t he jumped to the front of the left, leading the left with all the liberal ideals we preach?
But then a friend injected some unwanted reality into my fantasy: Kucinich is too left to appeal to a broader audience. She claimed that the undecided masses would vote for a more middle-of-the-road democrat, and Kucinich was too left to gain favour with even some liberals!
My question is, in an election where the flaws of the right have never been more obvious, where the public is so against our current Conservative administration, wouldn’t this be the perfect time to inject the office with ALL the good of liberals? Why put forth a candidate that supported our awful current administration and this war that has killed so many? Why not push forward our entire agenda of equality? He stands for equality in marriage, in healthcare, in bringing up those below the poverty line, and giving future generations a sustainable life. Kucinich is a leftist dream, but has somehow been swept under the rug for being… too perfect?
It was Kucinich’s closing words at that Logo debate that I later found online that really sealed our love affair. He said about his gorgeous supermodel-esque wife Elisabeth:
“We have talked about this and I can’t imagine what it would be like to have met the love of my life and to have such a depth of feeling for her, and then be told that no you can’t be married because there’s a certain rule or law that can’t let that happen. That would be devastating! And because we understand that, because I understand it, I’m ready to be your president. I’m ready to be the person that transforms this nation, that lifts up this nation, that causes not just and American evolution but reconnects us with the deeper truths of who we are!” People wonder how he scored that hot wife, but who wouldn’t love a man like this?
So forget your fears of going too left (and that alien claim) and see Kucinich for what he really is: a man unafraid. He wasn’t afraid to stand up against the war when that idea was unpopular, and he is afraid to stand up for what is right. He is a caring and compassionate candidate who has the best interest of those that have been stomped on in his heart.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Can't Judge a Project Runway Contestant by Its Cover
Project Runway premiered last night, and I am very excited about this season. In it's premiere, judged awarded winner to Rami and his modern-day toga, and sent Simone packing for her failed attempt at vintage.
This year was the firsy year though that my pre-season favourites did not hold up. While looking at all the previews and what-not, I grew disdain for youngster scenester Christian and leopard-clad fatty Chirs, and adoration of the adorably gay Steven and Rosario Dawson look-a-like Carmen. However, by the end of the first episode, Chris sky-rocketed to most loved (after watching him waddle across the field to collect fabric for the challenge, and then creating a gorgeous dress) and Christian's bitchiness was actually humourous, while Steven and Carmen's designs did not impress. Christian was the runner-up for winner, but I wasn't a big fan of his overly-lacey in front bulky jacket, though I can see where the judges were impressed.
Runner-up for out was the quirky Elisa. She started of the craziness by grass-staining a silk chiffon, then after returning to the design room, used her own legs as the model form. She then made an elegant and whimsical top, and shredded all of her remaining fabrics and sewed them on the bottom of the dress (probably about 20 lbs worth.) Heidi was right to say it looked like the model pooped out the fabric. She also "hand measured" (aka felt up) her model to do the fitting. Now listen judges, because I'm only going to say this once (yeah right.) Do not keep the crazies! Did you see what happened with Wendy Peppers and Vincent. These people who don't deserve to be on the show because they are completely batshit end up outlast great designs because you want to keep them around for entertainment. No more of this! Kick that broad off!
And now, my personal picks:
Best:
By Chris
Worst:
by Elisa
This year was the firsy year though that my pre-season favourites did not hold up. While looking at all the previews and what-not, I grew disdain for youngster scenester Christian and leopard-clad fatty Chirs, and adoration of the adorably gay Steven and Rosario Dawson look-a-like Carmen. However, by the end of the first episode, Chris sky-rocketed to most loved (after watching him waddle across the field to collect fabric for the challenge, and then creating a gorgeous dress) and Christian's bitchiness was actually humourous, while Steven and Carmen's designs did not impress. Christian was the runner-up for winner, but I wasn't a big fan of his overly-lacey in front bulky jacket, though I can see where the judges were impressed.
Runner-up for out was the quirky Elisa. She started of the craziness by grass-staining a silk chiffon, then after returning to the design room, used her own legs as the model form. She then made an elegant and whimsical top, and shredded all of her remaining fabrics and sewed them on the bottom of the dress (probably about 20 lbs worth.) Heidi was right to say it looked like the model pooped out the fabric. She also "hand measured" (aka felt up) her model to do the fitting. Now listen judges, because I'm only going to say this once (yeah right.) Do not keep the crazies! Did you see what happened with Wendy Peppers and Vincent. These people who don't deserve to be on the show because they are completely batshit end up outlast great designs because you want to keep them around for entertainment. No more of this! Kick that broad off!
And now, my personal picks:
Best:
By Chris
Worst:
by Elisa
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Fashion Week Recap.
Another Fashion Week has come and gone, and much to my shagrin I didn't recieve a personal invite yet again.
The Spring 2008 looks are bold, and it looks like the clinched-at-the-waist belt is here to stay. A lot of bright colours were paired with black, which seems dark for spring, but what the hey, let's do it! Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. was a shining example of this, and still super cute. Her looks were very modern and rock, which is a big change from the Michelle Pfeiffer in 'Scarface' debut of the line.
Calvin Klein presented us with an almost all white collection. Betsey Johnson was fucking ridiculous, I don't know who the hell would wear these atrocities. Half of her looks were like retarded trying-to-be-throwback prom dresses, and all the models wore corsages and had dates walk them down the runway. Michael Kors was bright and classy in classic light spring colours, but his men's look were a lot like him: supergay. Vera Wang was rather lack-luster, but I never really like her work anyways. Lacoste was sleek as always, and while I would wear anything with that little alligator on it, nothing jumped out at me. But I guess the time-tested classiness of Lacoste is what makes it so great. Venexiana did this amazing very vintage sailor/'40s wife themed collection that I LOVED. Be sure to check the pictures below.
I also discovered my new fashion soulmate this week: Tadashi Shoji, the Fashion Week closer. His clothes are soft and feminine but still involved interesting shapes and designs, a few of which seemed a tad throwback, which I love.
I was really sad that no Project Runway names graced the runway at Fashion Week. Wake up Jay McCarroll! I love you dearly, make me clothes now please! Same for you Jeffrey.
Also, MetLife held a charity show where all the designs were inspired by Charlie Brown characters! Some were cute, but some were just ridiculous.
Favourites/Buy these for me:
Michael Kors
Venexiana
Tadashi Shoji
L.A.M.B.
Badgley Mischka
(they were once guest judges on Project Runway, and I love the print of this skirt.)
Miss Sixty
Isaac Mizrahi's Snoopy in Fashion design: a modern take on the classic Charlie Brown look.
A less practical but still cute Snoopy in Fashion look. I like the creativity in this one.
Academy of Art University
(box on the head, wtf?)
Vera Wang
Betsey Johnson for the awful win.
The Spring 2008 looks are bold, and it looks like the clinched-at-the-waist belt is here to stay. A lot of bright colours were paired with black, which seems dark for spring, but what the hey, let's do it! Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. was a shining example of this, and still super cute. Her looks were very modern and rock, which is a big change from the Michelle Pfeiffer in 'Scarface' debut of the line.
Calvin Klein presented us with an almost all white collection. Betsey Johnson was fucking ridiculous, I don't know who the hell would wear these atrocities. Half of her looks were like retarded trying-to-be-throwback prom dresses, and all the models wore corsages and had dates walk them down the runway. Michael Kors was bright and classy in classic light spring colours, but his men's look were a lot like him: supergay. Vera Wang was rather lack-luster, but I never really like her work anyways. Lacoste was sleek as always, and while I would wear anything with that little alligator on it, nothing jumped out at me. But I guess the time-tested classiness of Lacoste is what makes it so great. Venexiana did this amazing very vintage sailor/'40s wife themed collection that I LOVED. Be sure to check the pictures below.
I also discovered my new fashion soulmate this week: Tadashi Shoji, the Fashion Week closer. His clothes are soft and feminine but still involved interesting shapes and designs, a few of which seemed a tad throwback, which I love.
I was really sad that no Project Runway names graced the runway at Fashion Week. Wake up Jay McCarroll! I love you dearly, make me clothes now please! Same for you Jeffrey.
Also, MetLife held a charity show where all the designs were inspired by Charlie Brown characters! Some were cute, but some were just ridiculous.
Favourites/Buy these for me:
Michael Kors Venexiana
Tadashi Shoji
L.A.M.B.Badgley Mischka
(they were once guest judges on Project Runway, and I love the print of this skirt.)
Miss Sixty
Isaac Mizrahi's Snoopy in Fashion design: a modern take on the classic Charlie Brown look.
A less practical but still cute Snoopy in Fashion look. I like the creativity in this one.
What the Fucks/What not to Wear:
Academy of Art University
(box on the head, wtf?)
Vera Wang
Betsey Johnson for the awful win.
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