Sweatin' like a whore in church (or a whore on the first day of summer classes)

Overweight, drunk smoker who is an alcoholic workoholic. Can she peg a man? Let's see, shall we?
The hot mid-June sun beat down on my already pounding head, the only thought running through it is completely dedicated to purchasing one of those huge misting fans. I want to be totally immersed in cold, crisp water. However, as far as hangovers go, this one isn't so bad. But still, I won't be drinking like that for a long time. At least not for a month, when I celebrate my birthday on the eleventh day of July, in the two thousand and seventh year of our Lord.
What a way to begin summer classes. Hungover (possibly still drunk,) on three hours of sleep, and still recovering from leg-numbing sex. The events of last night turned out better than even I had planned.
The original idea was to make eyes at a chubby, hardly attractive co-worker of mine, but since he is an arrogant prick, I slept with his thin, curly-haired friend. Now that that crisis of faith in myself and my abilities is over, I can go back to being normal. God I was a shitshow last night. There was a point where I was crying into a blow-up doll. Right, alls well that ends well I suppose.
I just want to fill a sink with icy cold water and stick my head in.